i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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