I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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