my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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