I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
