Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
