Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
