So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
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Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
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there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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