my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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