And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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