theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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