it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
