Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
