She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
