Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
