Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
