she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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