I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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