ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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