I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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