Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
