I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
