hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
