I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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