Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
