My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
