My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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