i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
