i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
