I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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