I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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