I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
