So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
