They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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