I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
