This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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