Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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