i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
