I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Drake has all the answers
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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