I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
