Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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