And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
