Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
