I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize