i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
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He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
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I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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