I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
