you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just found a bag of teeth...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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