I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
