Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
