I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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