i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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