i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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