She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
