Only a mothe r could love this liver
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize