for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
MIDGETS
????
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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