Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
