the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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