UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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