Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
