Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She's the barista slut.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
