Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
