I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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