my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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